OKEECHOBEE, FL — Last Saturday, strange sightings of saucer-like objects carrying U.S. Military aircraft over the small Florida town of Okeechobee were reported to local law enforcement, authorities say. Witnesses say they saw a small flying saucer that attached itself to a twin-engine military aircraft, whisking it across the sky while making a shrill buzzing sound.
“It dun sound like my wife talking ’bout me getting a job,” remarked Cletus Dayton. “It was like WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. Then that sucker just zoomed that big ‘ol gray military airplane right away.” Another unnamed witness was having a picnic in the back of his pickup truck when he saw the UFO. “I had my head back as I was sipping my Nattie Light and out of the corner of my eye was this UFO saucer-thing that stole a whole dag-gummed military plane. This was like a war, man! I called over to my girlfriend ‘cause I was scared. You know, they got me back in ’94 during a Beastie Boy concert and slipped something up my you-know-where. I thought they’s was a-comin’ back to check on me or recruit me into their storm trooper army or something.”
Ron McDaniels, a local dairy farmer, was startled as he was working behind his barn. “I just finished, um, making, um… workin’ on some, um, you know… um, stuff or whatever, and we was like, oh s**t! What’s that? I was like, this s**t’s wack ‘cause I was seeing some s**t that ain’t supposed to be there, you know, man. Those poor dudes was probably carried off in that there airplane by little green men. They was probably getting stuff put in them’s butt, ya know man? Bad if they ain’t Air Force. You know, those Air Force guys… he he. I was in the, um, Army for a couple years, you know, and they Air Force’s dudes is weird. I didn’t go to them.”
Last month, military pilots noted strange, other-worldly aircraft performing maneuvers over the ocean. “We need to be vigilant,” said Seth Moulders, a retired Air Force veteran of 32 years. “I’ve seen things that can’t be explained when I was in, and had things done to me by the government that I still can’t talk about. There are aliens all around us. They come and go every day.”
Harvard Professor Avi Loeb would agree. In 2017, an odd interstellar object was discovered near Earth’s orbit, which Professor Loeb identified as an intergalactic alien probe. Additionally, he believes aliens are among us and take the form of “wrinkly ET-types, microbial bug types, Jeopardy contestants, and Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.” Whatever appeared over the Floridian skies, folks are ready. “I got my AR-15, man!” exclaimed McDaniels. “I’m a gonna be like, BLAM! BLAM, BLAM, BLAM! Pew, pew, pew. That’s with my suppressor I made. It’s illegal so don’t tell nobody. But I’m gonna be like Steven Segal on them Green Men. Like Navy Seal s**t. I ain’t takin’ no chances.”
At press time, the Okeechobee Sheriff’s Department was unavailable for comment, but remarked to the Associated Press that the sightings were under investigation and urged residents to remain calm.